Uncle Obama's Extortion Racket

by: nancy morgan | published: 12 17, 2009

Uncle Obama has gotten ahold of your credit card. And he's amassing charges on it that - you - not he - are liable for. You can call the fraud line, you can call the police, you can call any politician or government agency, and they will all tell you the same thing. Shut up and pay up.

Since misery loves company, you might feel better knowing that you're not the only one being extorted. Uncle Obama and his buddies have the credit and debit cards of every man woman and child in America. And they're charging up a bundle. So far, each of us has a $38,000 tab that we are personally liable for. And that's just the tip of the iceberg, which by the way, isn't melting.

Yesterday, Uncle Obama actually got the limit on your credit card increased. Yup. The House of Representatives voted to increase the overall debt limit, meaning the amount of money they can charge in your name has expanded. This, despite the fact that our national debt now exceeds the statutory debt limit that the Democrats approved last February as part of the cutely entitled Recovery Act. Which, by the way, didn't work. But the intentions were good.

For the 7 million Americans without jobs, this is not good news. Not to worry. The media assures us folks that Uncle Obama is going to take care of everything. 

Just look at all the things he's doing for us. The House yesterday approved an additional $155 billion of our tax dollars for "shovel-ready" construction projects and money to avoid layoffs of teachers, police and other public employees. Of course the small print says that in order to get any of this money you better belong to a union or be employed by the federal government. If you're Joe Blow or Suzy Homemaker you're just plain out of luck.

Maybe you'll sleep easier knowing that the one billion dollar charge on your credit card last Wednesday will go to preserving tropical forests overseas. Or that the $3 billion charge last month will help the Palestinians in their fight against Jewish 'occupiers.' Or that your hard earned money will soon be at work aborting babies in our nation's capitol. After all, we must do our bit to save Mother Earth, and who are we to disagree with the experts who tell us that abortion is a kick ass way to do this?

Whatever you do, don't worry your head about the charges that are in the works for your almost worthless credit card. The increased energy charges on all of our bills in the coming months will probably only amount to a few thousand dollars for each of us. And they are totally necessary to keep the earth from melting. There is a consensus on this, so just can your objections.

If you start to get overwhelmed, you can cheer yourself up by watching the excellent use Uncle Obama has made of your money. Tune in to GM's latest edgy video of The Volt dancers as they whirl and cavort in some artists' idea of how to promote automobiles that are environmentally friendly. And if you would rather eat than support politically connected fat cats at GM and a select group of sensitive artists, then you're probably one of those flat earthers, totally unworthy of any of Obama's largesse.

Still worrying? Just stop right now. Uncle Obama has provided a great opportunity for any hungry American with mouths to feed. All you have to do is snitch on your tax-cheating neighbor. New legislation stipulates that you'll be able to appropriate a larger percentage of any taxes the government recovers based on your tip. But before you turn in your former boss or neighbor, check to make sure they aren't one of the federal employees that owe a cool $3 billion in unpaid taxes. I think they're exempt. 

For all the diehards out there that still worry about running up bills you can't pay, take heart. Uncle Obama has assured us that if we hurry up and agree to let the government take over health care, then we won't go bankrupt. Just make sure you don't get sick for 3 years till it kicks in.

For all the 'deniers' out there, just quit worrying about all the unauthorized charges Uncle Sam is making on your credit card. Sit back and relax. Take advantage of the 24/7 media coverage of how the great Tiger Woods has fallen. Schadenfreude is an excellent panacea. And if you're in luck, the commercials will be louder than the network programming. Since Congress has just ruled this a no-no, you can call yourself a lawyer and make like the government. You can extort your way to unearned wealth.

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