The Bugs are Back
by: michael r. shannon | published: 05 19, 2013
People in the Washington, DC area like to worry. Part of it’s because leftists are required to show “concern” about the darnedest things and part of it is because a large government workforce has to discover something to do or at least find a way to look busy.
For example, the National Weather Service suffered a crippling budget cut of about 3 percent when the sequester went into effect. I had assumed that after the cut hit, a spokesperson would inform us there would be no more rain or rainbows due to evil Republican budget cuts.
Instead the service is now under a hiring freeze and unable to begin what the WaPost called “a major pilot project aimed at helping the local community prepare for extreme weather.”
For those of you who tuned in late, “extreme weather” is what used to be “global warming” before it stopped getting warm.
According to the Post, “Previously, the emergency response meteorologists were tasked to assist “on the scene” during major weather events, offering on-demand briefings to emergency managers and stakeholders. They also were charged with developing more event-specific forecasts, explaining possible impacts in detail, and getting key messages out using new communication technologies and social media.”
In laymen’s terms this means highly–paid government meteorologists would appear during a hurricane or tornado to tell damp citizens with frizzy hair that they had just been hit by a hurricane or tornado. The weather people would then pass out small, waterproof maps with colorful depictions of pressure zones and isobars. Then advise survivors to take shelter, cut down on salt and keep hydrated. Once the citizens were dispersed, the weather service employees would be free to teach elected officials how to post heroic photos of themselves in galoshes on Twitter.
How they intend to accomplish this without power remains to be seen. A more practical plan would involve teaching Pepco customers how to buy and install a generator, since long term loss of electricity is much more common here than severe weather.
Somehow, Oklahomans have managed to endure weather without federal intervention. Twice during my youth I lived in Duncan, OK. Smack dab in the middle of tornado alley. In spite of the fact we did not have weather service types parachuting in to state the obvious, we managed to survive. The municipal tornado siren sounded, you picked up the babies, grabbed the old ladies and headed for the nearest tornado/bomb shelter or leaped in a nearby bar ditch.
I distinctly remember one evening when we gathered in our neighbor’s backyard shelter to wait out the alert. Since I was just a kid, I had no idea how long a tornado lasted. My idea of a long duration was waiting for Christmas and that took forever.
What’s more, I was a chubby kid who suffered “food anxiety” before it came to Michelle Obama’s attention. Not wanting to add hunger pangs to potential tornado problems, I filled my pockets with cheddar cheese. (It could have been that I also wanted to prevent diarrhea, but my memory is fuzzy.) This caused something of a commotion later in the week when Mom opened the washer and saw the laundry looked like nachos.
So without the weather service to gin up worry, the media here has turned to the insect world and found this summer will mark the return of the cicada. Cicadas sleep underground for 17 years and then emerge blinking into the sunlight, looking for sex and a square meal. This alone would make the cicada a perfect mascot for the less motivated federal bureaucrat.
Insects on the make would not normally be an issue for the front page of the Metro section. What makes the cicadas newsworthy is they return in the billions. They cover the landscape and make a loud buzzing sound to attract a mate, much like disco without the mirror balls.
The insects are about an inch long with red eyes. The outer shell is crunchy but they’re soft on the inside, much like a Democrat. The reporter even found publicity–hungry omnivore who claimed he eats cicadas. His recipe calls for sautéing them with lemon and butter. I can’t remember if he serves the finished product with MD–20/20 or WD–40.
After sex cicadas don’t smoke, which would at least shut them up, instead they eat the shrubbery. I actually saw a handful while walking the dogs, but the density did not begin to approach the 1,000,000/acre of which the WaPost warned. Maybe these were scouts, wary of people with frying pans.
The important part of the infestation for our purposes is that I’ve been inspired to write another song. This time to the tune of the Angel’s “My Boyfriend’s Back.”
The bugs are back and there’s gonna be trouble
(Hey la, Hey la, the bugs are back)
When you see them fly you better cut out on the double
(Hey la, Hey la, the bugs are back)
Cicadas been gone for such a long time,
(Hey la, Hey la, the bugs are back)
Better watch your step don’t slip on insect slime
(Hey la, Hey la, the bugs are back)
And the trees are full of buzzin’
And the males are wantin lovin’
A mating dance right on your front lawn
(Hey la, Hey la, the bugs are back)
They’re here right now, about a trillion stong
(Hey la, Hey la, the bugs are back)
Buried underground for 17 years (Hey la, Hey la, the bugs are back)
It’s time to mate, so cover up your ears
(Hey la, Hey la, the bugs are back)
And the trees are full of buzzin’
And the males are wantin lovin’
Beady red eyes on a body one inch long (Wa–ooh, Wa–ooh)
Eating your shrubs while they play a mating song (Wa–ooh)
It’s time to flee
The bugs are back and there’s gonna be trouble
(Hey la, Hey la, the bugs are back)
When you see them fly you better cut out on the double
(Hey la, Hey la, the bugs are back)
add a comment
action items!
The Tennessee Republican Assembly Joins Resolution Against Sen Alexander's National Internet Sales Tax Mandate
03 31, 2013
Republican Leaders in Pennsylvania Hold the Key to School Choice Reform
05 29, 2011
Tell Your Representative to Vote YES on H.R. 1229 Putting the Gulf of Mexico Back to Work Act
05 29, 2011
Stop The Internet Sales Tax
05 13, 2011
Ask Sen. McConnell to Appoint Sen. DeMint to Senate Finance Committee
05 13, 2011
popular articles
B. HUSSEIN OBAMA: 'I will stand with the Muslims. . .
by: j. grant swank, jr | 07, 01 2008
Anti-American George Soros and Unions Attempting to Put Power of CA Redistricting in Their Own Hands
by: warner todd huston | 10, 18 2010
Obama's Jimmy Carter Disaster
by: slater bakhtavar | 07, 04 2008
The Gilded Age
by: lisa fabrizio | 07, 02 2009
Do You Hear a Droning Sound?
by: michael r. shannon | 06, 17 2012