How to Use Your Children to Annoy a Liberal

by: selwyn duke | published: 03 24, 2009

Since liberals place a premium on tolerance, the loving and charitable thing to do is help them develop it.  Note here that, unbeknownst to many, tolerance involves enduring something considered to be a negative.  We don’t tolerate a fine meal or a nice car, for instance; we relish such things.  But we might have to tolerate bad weather, a cold or Nancy Pelosi.  Now, since liberals actually perceive a great many positive things to be negative, placing them in situations wherein they may cultivate tolerance is not difficult.

One under-appreciated vehicle through which to do this is your children.  You can use your kids to annoy liberals, but I don’t mean in the way liberals annoy other people with theirs.  Liberals, by not civilizing their children, breed brats who bounce balls in supermarkets, play hide-and-go-seek in restaurants, keep the makers of psychotropic medication in business and sometimes chant “Yes, we can!”  No, the techniques in question here are far different.

One of the best ways to use your children in this regard is to have a lot of them.  Liberals, being generally misinformed and detached from reality, don’t know that the Western world faces a population implosion, and the exercise of fecundity isn’t a choice they appreciate.  You know, if they see a gaggle of boys and girls following someone mother-goose style, they think carbon footprints, Malthusian nightmares and about how the “wrong” people are breeding. 

And think about the fun you could have.  For example, a nice touch would be to sport a bumper sticker saying, “My seven kids can beat up your one Ritalin-addled C-student.”  Also, when the size of your family is raised in conversation, you can casually mention how the Bible instructs us to be fruitful and multiply.  Judeo-Christian references move a liberal like nothing else.

How you raise your children matters, too.  Make sure they not only play with toy guns but that they do it publicly.  And it helps if they audibly say things such as “Bang, bang, you’re dead!”  Liberals view this the way a normal person would view the exposure of a child to pornography.  This is especially effective with the subspecies of liberals known as the suburban soccer mom. 

You see, liberals hate guns.  They feel guns are scary.  They feel that guns “teach violence” (that violence has to be taught is a notion I debunked irrefutably, undeniably and completely here).  They just plain feel.  They seem to worry that letting their son play with guns will turn him into a murderer even though they never wonder if allowing him to play with trains will turn him into a conductor.

To ensure this technique has maximum impact, you must choose the correct toy guns.  Vintage is the word, because the guns you find in stores today look like they were designed by Michael Jackson’s effeminate twin.  They sometimes come in Barbie doll colors and, at best, have at least a little red piece at the end of the barrel.  This toy-land abomination arose because undisciplined liberal children started pointing realistic-looking toy guns at police officers.  Somehow liberals don’t view this as Darwinian natural selection.

As an example of this technique, I’ll relate a story involving someone I know.  This father had given his sons some truly cool-looking toy guns from his youth, and one day he and his family ventured down to the community pool bearing these arms.  When all the liberals’ non-sex stereotyped, wearing-a-feminine-straightjacket sons saw these symbols of authentic boyhood, their eyes got wide; exclamations such as “wow” could be heard.  This also has the very positive effect of confirming in deprived liberal children’s minds that their parents really are dorks.  Oh, and you don’t have to worry about further alienating them from their (probably divorced, perhaps same-sex) parents/guardians.  Unless liberal children can be reformed, they will push the old folks into a nursing home first chance they get no matter what you do.

I also should mention that you needn’t fear liberals’ self-righteous, didactic proclamations.  Should they choose to say something to you, it only provides you the opportunity to put the icing on the cake.  If, for instance, they say, “I’m really surprised you give your son toy guns to play with” just respond, “Well, let’s be realistic.  He’s still a bit too young to have a real one.”  This upsets liberals intensely.

The next technique I’ll mention involves something I witnessed just recently.  I was in a certain very popular and expansive food store and saw a father with two young boys, about two and three years old.  He had them in harnesses affixed to something akin to a leash, which he held firmly so they couldn’t run amok.  This wasn’t too uncommon years ago, back in those brutal, uncompassionate days when people hated children so much that they allowed spanking and disallowed abortion. 
Yet liberals don’t like such things.  They bristle at the idea of treating children “like animals” even though they believe we’re just highly-evolved apes.  Letting your child run around someone else’s establishment like an animal is okay, though.

Lastly, if a liberal asks you why you have so many kids, you can just explain how survival of the fittest ensures that the right members of a species breed and inherit the Earth.  And be sure to follow up with, “Besides, every time I have another child, there’s one more person in this world to pray for you.”

Now, some may wonder why anyone would suggest using children to annoy liberals.  Well, we must properly train the young in the way they should go.  Just as importantly, we should always deal with people on their own level.

comments

• Reply to this comment

  Clive M.

  I'm a gun toting Liberal and I needed a good laugh. Bang, you're stupid.

  
  

• Reply to this comment

  Navah Feldman

  USING YOUR CHILDREN? WTF is wrong with you?

  
  

• Reply to this comment

  Scott

  John S. said: I love how the liberals are purposely coming to a conservative website just to tell us how wrong we are its quite amusing haha.

  Allow me to say, I really don't give a rat's ass.

  
  

• Reply to this comment

  Shawn Terry

  http://www.aaafashion.ru/
  http://www.leather5a.ru/

  
  

• Reply to this comment

  Diane G.

  Scott, M said: It's easy to annoy a liberal. All you have to do is present the facts. Pretty hard to spin that.

  Nailed it!

  
  

• Reply to this comment

  Joseph Y.

  Allow me to introduce my experience as a lawyer; one; pissing off or annoying your opponent is the means to an end, the end being them flustered, try doing that to a group (it's why billionaires have multiple lawyers; so that if one is compromised the others can take over)

  I carry a concealed firearm on a hip holster and one under my shoulder, I have several others scattered about my house, office, vehicle and anywhere else I go. I have a reason, I've pissed off a lot of wealthy and powerful people, I've even left some of them destitute and incarcerated. I have had to shoot to kill on two sperate occasions. I still vote liberal

  
  

• Reply to this comment

  John S.

  I love how the liberals are purposely coming to a conservative website just to tell us how wrong we are its quite amusing haha.

  
  

• Reply to this comment

  Jesus H. Christ

  This is exactly the kind of post I thought I'd find on a Conservative website. You're not doing your lot any favors. Entertaining though! Liberals do annoy me too, but Conservatives outright scare me.

  
  

• Reply to this comment

  MV

  "Space Shuttle Blows UP" DAMN LIBERALS!!

  Selwyn, you might as well start writing about how liberals are the reason for Ebola, or world hunger or something. This is the stupidest post I've ever read. Someone, please give me my five minutes back.

  
  

• Reply to this comment

  Sam W.

  Sam W. said: Winchester, by any chance? My CURRENTLY-demon brother who STILL hasn't gotten me out of here and might not until next, idk, tuesday???

  YOU'RE WATCHING: SUPERNATURAL

  
  

• Reply to this comment

  Dean W.

  Dean W. said: Dude this shit is fucked up. Like, seriously. And we are NOT dense. How do you even come up with this crap? - Liberal, atheist, menforwomen, gaypride, equalism, science

  Heya Sammy :)
  Sorry about it taking so long, it isn't really as easy as just snapping fingers like it was for Gabriel. (Showoff)

  
  

• Reply to this comment

  Sam W.

  Dean W. said: Dude this shit is fucked up. Like, seriously. And we are NOT dense. How do you even come up with this crap? - Liberal, atheist, menforwomen, gaypride, equalism, science

  Winchester, by any chance? My CURRENTLY-demon brother who STILL hasn't gotten me out of here and might not until next, idk, tuesday???

  
  

• Reply to this comment

  Dean W.

  Dude this shit is fucked up. Like, seriously. And we are NOT dense. How do you even come up with this crap?
  - Liberal, atheist, menforwomen, gaypride, equalism, science

  
  

• Reply to this comment

  kapsol

  LOL

  
  

• Reply to this comment

  john

  Just return from china on business. Eye opener. The ethnic Han majority are convinced that multiculturalism is ethnic cleansing of whites. The Han elite who are the future rulers are taught that sub-Saharan africans are cognitively inferior who despite the unspeakable natural wealth of Africa will not help other African improve their lot. The Chinese have been given the go ahead to exterminate all Africans in the next 30 years. No place is this evident in Ghana's Gold fields. 100's are murdered everyday but nit a peep out of usa blacks. I never hear a usa black complain of job loss to racist China

  
  

• Reply to this comment

  Lee

  Made my morning, thankyou!

  
  

• Reply to this comment

  Jeremy B

  James Mc said: What in the hell do you mean taking the bible out of context and using it to further your stupid cause. God is going to slap you silly yet, keep it up..What do you mean the right species breed and inherit the earth..Is this some kind of racist BS you dreamed up because it won't happen and guess what the hispanics who mostly are catholics are the next and fastest growing minority group in the united states and will surpass yours soon..How is that for species...BTW they may pray for your soul with their children.

  Classic case of a liberal crying racism where race is not in the conversation. The context was that the "right species" is a busy-breeding Christian conservative versus the wrong species: a planned parenthood, only-child having Athiest liberal. James believes that conservatives are racist, and his ridiculous reaction makes sense on that level.
  The fact that so many people believe conservatives are racist is troubling to me. I want to take this opportunity to wish that conservatives somehow shed this label of being racist. Soon. Its costing elections.

  
  

• Reply to this comment

  Susan F

  Teach a young child that is learning animal sounds to say the sheep says Obama, Obama.

  
  

• Reply to this comment

  Spurwing Plover

  Allowing you and your kid to eat at McDonalds,Burger King,KFC or any of the other fast food places annoys liberals who thinks we all need to go vegan over this GLOBAL WARMING nonsense

  
  

• Reply to this comment

  Scott, M

  It's easy to annoy a liberal. All you have to do is present the facts. Pretty hard to spin that.

  
  

• Reply to this comment

  Generic Teenage Libriterian

  I was laughing so hard at this the whole time and even now there are liberals (who came to this site just to scold conservitives), but Ifeel you crossed the border with the anti gay comment. God did not wantus to discriminate nor did he say it was a sin. There is no need to bash the rainbow lovers.

  
  

• Reply to this comment

  Dean G

  That was fun, thank you.

  
  

• Reply to this comment

  parthenon

  James Mc said: What in the hell do you mean taking the bible out of context and using it to further your stupid cause. God is going to slap you silly yet, keep it up..What do you mean the right species breed and inherit the earth..Is this some kind of racist BS you dreamed up because it won't happen and guess what the hispanics who mostly are catholics are the next and fastest growing minority group in the united states and will surpass yours soon..How is that for species...BTW they may pray for your soul with their children.

  Judge not, lest you be judged.

  
  

• Reply to this comment

  Brian F.

  A little late on the toy guns idea. Also make sure the guns are cork guns and you cut the string. Then liberals complain about shooting out someone's eye.

  
  

• Reply to this comment

  Jonah Vanderbilt

  Yeah, "use" your children. How incredibly inspired.

  Disgusting.

  
  

• Reply to this comment

  James Mc

  What in the hell do you mean taking the bible out of context and using it to further your stupid cause. God is going to slap you silly yet, keep it up..What do you mean the right species breed and inherit the earth..Is this some kind of racist BS you dreamed up because it won't happen and guess what the hispanics who mostly are catholics are the next and fastest growing minority group in the united states and will surpass yours soon..How is that for species...BTW they may pray for your soul with their children.

  
  

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